he's just not so into you

i finally got my answer. i knew the answer inside me that I wasn't interested beyond being great friends or "brothers" in his terminology. but i just get confused signals, so i was presented an opportunity to ask the question - "do you see me as a potential bf?", well in a less direct manner which i usually do.

through a series of sms, but it too a phone conversation to clear the air. what prompted me to ask the question was the gesture that I did that made me wonder if there's more than just good friends btw both of us.

on Tuesday, after my swim at Delta, he actually waited for me outside the pool to pick me up for dinner eventhough we didn't actually plan to meet up that day. how many of us actually do surprise pickup of our friends. well, i don't.

later that night, i msg him and thanked him for dropping by and said that it was a very nice gesture. his reply was he's even nicer to his bf. so i replied, "so there're upgrade options?" and "do i get to upgrade?". his reply back was "huh, what upgrade?". I replied nvm, and then the next day, we had a chat on the phone. all things cleared, he said that once a brother, there's no possibility of being lovers. so there. i had the answer.

moving on, i wonder if this changes the status quo? oh well, i'm sure it does, usually when someone show's interest in me but i'm just not into him, i will somehow be of less in touch so that the other person gets the message or either i wouldn't want him to harp on the feelings as i would know i cannnot reciprocate.

whoever I picks as his bf, the guy would be a lucky guy.

No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night;
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend.
That's all I've ever been.

You give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me.

Ray Charles - You Don't know me

in an ex instance - terms of endearment

yesterday, jason pinged me, and asked me, i used to call him jaby - short for jason baby, but what was the terms of endearment i used to call him. gosh. i have totally forgotten i had a nick name for jason, my ex. it has been almost 4 yrs i guess. he has found a new love, eddie and his new bf asked him that question.

with my poor memory, i couldn't really remember what was the term of endearment jason used to call me. but i realised that my gmail could have contained one of his emails to me, so a did a search. haha. he called me baby.

jason was my ex of 6 months. he's a wonderful guy, vivacious, bitchy in a funny way, full of life. somehow, our chemistry didn't develop so in the end, we had a mutual seperation. until today, we still keep in contact. he's the only ex whom i still keep in touch till today. guess we don't have emotional baggage left from our relationship thus we could be friends till today.

i wish him all the happiness with his new love. apparently, his new bf is hot and in demand. i wonder what he looks like?

artistic photography - aymeric giraudel

Aymeric Giraudel, 34yo is a French photographer that does digital photography. He makes amazing photos, sensitive, magical, erotic.





His latest masterpiece, a collaboration with Beautiful Mag created the Prophecy. Watch it here.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=njoUhvpRVbA

looming thoughts of the muddled mind

need something big to change my current status quo. my mind is running to a corner, getting trapped with thoughts of the need of someone to hug, to hold hands, to love. and the nearest person to me is actually still very far away. need to eliminate that feeling but i know the more suppressed a feeling, the more it will come back and bite me on my butt.

i pray for a bigger purpose, i need to plan. planning isn't my strongest point. so in the end, it seems like procrastination to move forward. need to chart my success, and as of this morning, i want to make small contribution to this blog each morning whenever possible.

move forward... i shall

i still have fear

I wish to tell you that I like you,
but i'm scared, of many things
i'm scared i might lose you as my very dear friend,
i'm scared of us being together, and losing you later,
i'm scared of hurting you, as i have hurt my loved ones,
i'm scared of being hurt, as i have been hurt in the past.

waiting for a sign, i don't see it.
guess i'll just maintain status quo...

dates - what defines it?

after the house warming two weeks back, i went out on a couple of dates with mr A. first thing that caught my eye was his sports car. but me not knowing anything about cars, my friends had to tell me that it's a Maserati and one damn expensive car.

So first 'date' was to watch a play under the Sg Arts Fest called Temple. Whoa, i was struggling to stay awake cos I couldn't make any sense of the play. 7 people, talking about things which doesn't seem to make sense to me, then random things happening like a band coming out and playing, girls in crocodile headgear doing cheerleading... the only thing interesting was the production and set which was very nice. after that, we went over to chinatown hawker to have dinner.

he asked me out again on saturday for dinner, so we went to Mohammad sultan and had dinner in epicurious. i ordered a burger, one of my favourite foods, but then didn't quite enjoy the burger cos the taste wasnt there. but the chip was delightful. crisp, thick and covered with sea salt which gave it a light salty taste but without the artificial salt taste. after that, we went over to st. james and met up with I, who brought along Alex, Alan and Silvia. Mr A had to go off cos he was having a headache, something he has been having of late. he should really go and see a doctor and see what's the matter.

anyway, dating mr A, i realised our age gap is two decades apart thus, the things we talked about was very contrasting as well. he is very articulate and knowledgeable. when we talk, i felt like i'm a student, being lectured about how i should be thinking, guess that's the difference we have and what they call it generation gap. anyway, i think Mr A gets the hint that i'm not keen to pursue. i wonder if there's more to write about Mr A in the future...

if I can't get one, i'll grow one...

i have a weakness for macho guys with goatee. a well kept goatee always gets my attention. but then there are not many guys out there who has facial hair... thus, i've decided, i'm gonna keep one myself. i've started growing one since last friday. hopefully this will last longer than my usual few days of trying to keep facial hair.