wtf - a matter of losing

just last week, i posted a song of the week into LJ - angels flying too close by beth rowley, originally by willie nelson from the movie honeysuckle rose.

the lyrics goes like this -
If you had not have fallen
Then I would not have found you
Angel flying too close to the ground
And I patched up your broken wing
And hung around a while
Tried to keep your spirits up
And your fever down
I knew someday that you would fly away
For love's the greatest healer to be found
So leave me if you need to
I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground
Fly on, fly on past the speed of sound
I'd rather see you up
Than see you down
Leave me if you need to
I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground

a friend msn me and asked me if i'm alright and cos the song I put up was emo and sounded like i just lost someone. I posted that song cos I thought it was a beautiful song, and reminded me about the people who made a difference in my life who no longer in contact or we have other priorities in life. but then it the thing is, some people who we shared a part of our lives and time, when they go away, we drift away silently.

i have a situation right now, i can't comprehend, and eating me up. it even feels like a bad breakup, with a friend, but what's not enough, i felt that i have lost another close friend in the process.

in a nutshell, I was my close friend here in SG. He was introduced by Ad about 6 months ago. We would hang out, together or with his friends. Movies, lunch, dinners, blading, plays, musicals, we would just do together. As i told my friends, he's like my platonic bf, cos the things we do together. in that aspect, i appreciate his company and friendship. along the way, i developed feelings liking him more than a friend. well, the thing is, i know that I doesn't feel the same way, but sometimes, his actions makes me wonder. so two weeks back, I popped the question, and from there on, everything starts falling apart. i introduced I to miss k, and now they've hit off, watching movies together, going for concerts, and all in all, i felt like i've lost two friends.

The above was written about two months back 10 August, and i never got around publishing it. guess it was something i'm not ready to share out publicly (not that there is anyone really reading this blog, just checked counter - 25 views, which most probably my own views of this blog. LOL)

anyway, since two months has passed, my feelings have diluted, it's not longer the intense feelings i felt when i wrote the entry. as of now, K and I are still wonderful friends of mine, i would go out with them as they are now officially dating. i know myself much better now compared to previously. it's about being able to let go and not get affected easily over matters, thus saving myself from suffering or pain. well, the pain was felt, but then now, there is no point holding on to pain. i'm just appreciating the friendship that both K and I have extended to me. may each of them find their own happiness.

some things we don't understand

life - it is as such where a lot of things don't make sense. the most difficult part about life is we don't understand people, the motives, their actions, their reactions. We're all driven by so many emotions and rational, and the action that we do doesn't seem to make sense but yet we do it. We may act or react based on what we know best, but looking at things in the long run, we don't really know what we are doing.

dear god, please guide me on my mission and purpose and make it happen.

a matter of taste - and the taste is tactless & disrespectful

despite your excuse that you don't think of the reasons why you had to ask me if my good friend, K is a nice person, if he sleeps around; my ex-date who was interested in me, now starts calling you, and hinted interest in you, and that he has asked you out for a play.

that in fact showed your level of respect to me, or anyone else for that matter when you know that right at the point of our phone conversation, it was me clearing the air that i like you and making apologies that i have put you through an awkward situation.

anyone who has a general sense of respect for other people's feelings wouldn't bring up such subjects. it's like a person who has fallen over a muddy puddle. instead of the helping the person to feel better, or better still, to help clean up the person, you just used your hands and pushed the person more into the mud!

i am sorry, but it's a single conversation - eventhough 6 months of friendship, it doesn't mean anything, when you have demonstrated your level of disrespect for another person's feelings.

he's just not so into you

i finally got my answer. i knew the answer inside me that I wasn't interested beyond being great friends or "brothers" in his terminology. but i just get confused signals, so i was presented an opportunity to ask the question - "do you see me as a potential bf?", well in a less direct manner which i usually do.

through a series of sms, but it too a phone conversation to clear the air. what prompted me to ask the question was the gesture that I did that made me wonder if there's more than just good friends btw both of us.

on Tuesday, after my swim at Delta, he actually waited for me outside the pool to pick me up for dinner eventhough we didn't actually plan to meet up that day. how many of us actually do surprise pickup of our friends. well, i don't.

later that night, i msg him and thanked him for dropping by and said that it was a very nice gesture. his reply was he's even nicer to his bf. so i replied, "so there're upgrade options?" and "do i get to upgrade?". his reply back was "huh, what upgrade?". I replied nvm, and then the next day, we had a chat on the phone. all things cleared, he said that once a brother, there's no possibility of being lovers. so there. i had the answer.

moving on, i wonder if this changes the status quo? oh well, i'm sure it does, usually when someone show's interest in me but i'm just not into him, i will somehow be of less in touch so that the other person gets the message or either i wouldn't want him to harp on the feelings as i would know i cannnot reciprocate.

whoever I picks as his bf, the guy would be a lucky guy.

No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night;
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend.
That's all I've ever been.

You give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me.

Ray Charles - You Don't know me

in an ex instance - terms of endearment

yesterday, jason pinged me, and asked me, i used to call him jaby - short for jason baby, but what was the terms of endearment i used to call him. gosh. i have totally forgotten i had a nick name for jason, my ex. it has been almost 4 yrs i guess. he has found a new love, eddie and his new bf asked him that question.

with my poor memory, i couldn't really remember what was the term of endearment jason used to call me. but i realised that my gmail could have contained one of his emails to me, so a did a search. haha. he called me baby.

jason was my ex of 6 months. he's a wonderful guy, vivacious, bitchy in a funny way, full of life. somehow, our chemistry didn't develop so in the end, we had a mutual seperation. until today, we still keep in contact. he's the only ex whom i still keep in touch till today. guess we don't have emotional baggage left from our relationship thus we could be friends till today.

i wish him all the happiness with his new love. apparently, his new bf is hot and in demand. i wonder what he looks like?